Non-cryptic alert! it's an Off-Off-Brand Stumper

Okay cryptic sickos, plug your ears: this puzzle is *not* cryptic. But it's still devious as shit!

Inspired by Frisco's recent Off-Brand Saturday Stumper, I wanted to make my own toughie. Thank you to Will Nediger, Ben Zimmer, ghana7, and Will Eisenberg for test-solving! (and apologies for ignoring so many things y'all said).

ps. here is the full explanation for 34-Down

Enjoy!

Download .puz file
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